The Joy Practice

slow days

they didn't want to get out of the car.
"do we have to hike?"

"let's show tormod chimonkey land."
and that sealed the deal.

I wanted to move a bit first, so i guided them toward the short redwood loop. they ran and played, Andre and his best friend, his best friend who leaves today for his home an ocean away.

and then, we arrive....chimonkey land.

chimonkey land where the sun is always warm and the river eases by, where sand buildings must be built and rope swings must be swung. where time ceases and the moment takes over.

 

and here, we live; we thrive.
in the slowness of the softly flowing river.

the shortest day

 

As the days continue to shorten on their journey to the winter solstice, I embrace the darkness. The sun rises later and sets earlier; the light decreases with each day; the dark hours grow.

Modern inventions (like that new-fangled electric bulb that lights up our world) have changed our relationship with the solstice, but the deep truth is still there. Darkness and light exist both outside and within us – dancing around each other, each bringing its particular gifts.

Day turns to Night turns to Day turns to Night; Spring turns to Summer turns to Autumn turns to Winter…and back to Spring again. We spend time outside (in nature, in relationships) and return home- to our physical home as well as to our inner-self for contemplation.

Stonehenge, Newgrange, Chichen Itza. These ancient ruins remind me that cultures older than ours understood the cyclical of our lives. I, too, know that the sun (the dawn, the Spring, the ease) will come back. And yet I also honor this time of darkness, knowing it to be as important as the months of light.

So, I sit…growing comfortable with the darkness, the night, the winter days….learning more from the dark depths within me…discovering the places where my old wounds and heavier emotions seek cover.

Light and dark, activity and rest. Light shows us what is in front of us…our path is illuminated. In the darkness, we grope. It is unknown.

All I can do is know that I am here…and understand that light follows darkness…and darkness follows light. It is the cyclical nature of our lives…

…and it is beautiful.

fighting wolves

As I was re-finding my center over the past few days, I looked back at some of my old writings for some inspiration.  I found the following article that I wrote for Midwife for Your Life.  I read it and smiled.  Oh, yes.  Those wolves!!  Reposting it here because it still speaks to me....

A Native American grandmother was talking to her granddaughter about how she felt.  She said “I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart.  One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one.”

The granddaughter asked her, “Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?”  The grandmother answered: “The one I feed.”

- Cherokee parable (author unknown)

The one I feed….

This seems to sum up my entire life’s work in six succinct sentences.  Two wolves, check.  Daily battle, check.  Winner is who I feed, double check.

As I read this parable, I started to think about how this wolf-feeding business seems so darned easy and yet is sometimes the most difficult thing that I do.  I work towards feeding my gentle wolf, but occasionally the loud, angry one demands to be fed.  And she can be ravenously insistent (“FEED ME NOW…..NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!!”).

Fear fills Ms. Vengeful, Angry and Violent Wolf.  If she doesn’t get fed, she knows that she loses her power.  She therefore devises creatively devious ploys to bait and trap me, then continues her screaming, “FEED ME NOW!”

It can be surprisingly hard to resist.  Fine, I will feed you.  “You are right; so-and-so was completely wrong.  My life would be so much better if I never had to deal with him/her.  How dare he/she?  Why, I’ve never!”

Or even richer, juicier food, “I am a terrible (fill in the blank).  If only I were like (blank).  I’ll never amount to (blank).”

There was a time in my life (my childhood into early adulthood) where I was completely at the mercy of this insatiable beast.  I grew up unconscious to the fact that I could direct my thoughts toward positive aspects (and unconscious to the fact that by doing so, I strengthened the positive aspects of myself).  I spent years tossing and tumbling upon the waves of my thoughts.

But….

She must have been whispering to me (oh-so-quietly), that gentle, loving wolf.  She sent angels in the form of friends, teaching me the power of gratitude.  She sent books and teachers, helping me to sit in meditation and quiet my mind.  She sent me to Colorado where pure, natural beauty filled my soul with light.  She sent a hilarious and wonder-filled husband (followed by hilarious and wonder-filled kids) to keep me laughing and silly.

Gratitude, mindfulness, beauty, laughter, joy…all of the things that feed my gentle wolf.  As I fed her, she grew stronger and stronger.  She showed me the truth of the parable…that my focus determines what I see in the world.

If I focus my thoughts and attention on what is beautiful and good around me, I see what is beautiful and good.  If I focus on injustice and violence and hatred, they stare me in the face.

I still have both wolves living within me.  I try to feed the loving and compassionate one as much as I can (writing in my gratitude journals, walking in nature, gazing at my children as they sleep, taking a breath before reacting, stopping to notice my breath anytime) yet the vicious, self-righteous (down-right mean) one occasionally coerces me to feed her instead.

What I have found, however, is that as I continue to nurture and nourish my lovely inner-wolf, the battle has changed.  The more delicious thoughts and experiences that I offer her, the easier it has been to catch myself before I heap nourishment upon my angry one.

Sometimes, the angry-wolf-feeding-frenzy has already begun.  After many harsh words have been said (either internally or externally), I catch myself and stop feeding her any more.

But sometimes, I can catch myself just after the first negative word has been uttered and pull back the food.  And more and more often, I catch myself just as I am ready to dish out the first spoonful…and stop before the wolf can grab it.

And as I strengthen my gentle wolf, not only has the angry wolf become easier to spot, the gentle one has become more clear in her communication with me. In fact, I hear her melodic voice right now.  ”Thank you for feeding me, Ruthie.  My dear, sweet Ruthie.” (Isn’t she great! I just love her!).

finding fun in busy times

It's been busy in these parts.  Busy, busy, busy.  "End-of-the-year this" met "end-of-the-year that".  I'm fine with busy, when I am engaged and present.  This year, however, busyness became overwhelm as my external world encroached on my internal world. 

Monkey mind took over. Oh so chatty, chatty, chatty...and full of criticism to boot. And that wise Watcher, the one who helps me see that the moment is in right in front of me, I forgot to even seek her out.

Busy on the outside; busy on the inside.  All of my practice went out the window as I was strung along by lists.  Places to be, things to do, more places to be, more things to do. 

In the background was the most challenging list of all...the list of failures (mine).  As a mom, a partner, a human, a being. I even forgot that there is no such thing as "failing" with this busy mind of mine.

The more chatty that I became, the less I did to quiet the chatter.  Meditation practice- too busy.  Yoga- maybe tomorrow.  Gratitude journal- can't find my book (too busy to make, too busy get a new one).  The less I strove to quiet the chatter...you guessed it...the louder it got.

And then....

...I said it out loud.  I told my circle of women what my internal landscape looked like.  In the verbalizing of it, I stepped one step back, away from the compelling story that was being spun within me. 

Just one step back. 

But it was enough. 

In that space, I engaged with the Watcher.  My partner in life that allows me to see it all from the miraculous place of distance.  And then, I asked for help from one of my amazing healers.  One step back became two steps back, until I could see the outlines of it all as "story".  My story...and not necessarily truth. 

In that stepping back, I released the hold that story had upon me.  I allowed the moment to return.  And the joy.  And when our busy schedule brought us to yesterday, I was ready.  To watch this amazing day unfold, moment by moment.

 

 

 

I was truly there.  All of me.  Noticing that this life is full of miraculous beauty.  That each moment is full.  Whether it be a moment of challenge or a moment of joy.  And no matter which moment I find; it's all good.

the subject tonight is rumi

As many of you know, I am a Rumi-phile. Loved finding this site of his greatest hits.

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4458/10-Life-Changing-Tips-Inspired-By-Rumi.html

 

and so it begins...

OK, I'm ready...Blog, officially begin!

Hi everyone and welcome to the Joy Practice!

As I started dreaming about this blog, I found myself asking big questions: namely, "Who am I?" and "Why am I doing this?"

Searching for answers, I spent some time revisiting my writing of yore - journals, Midwife for Your Life articles, little notes on scraps of paper. I looked in the mirror.  I looked through my photos. I looked in my family's eyes.

Who am I?  

 

Wherever I looked, I saw relationships: a  mother, a partner, a daughter, a friend.   Relationships everywhere- joyful, nourishing, grounding, strengthening and yes, sometimes challenging.

 I saw a woman trying to make sense of life; wanting to live with purpose and passion.  I saw a woman who loves and is loved.  I saw a woman who struggles and falters and finds her way anew, strengthened by the struggle. 

This woman, this ME, pauses and ponders.  I seek.  I sit.  And time and time again, I turn to this moment in front of me, to mindfulness.  I breathe in and pause to see clearly what is before me whether it be challenge or joy.  In that breath, I see life through a different lens.

In that breath, I find this moment (this one, right here).  I find this moment and lose this moment; find it and lose it again.  As with meditation, I keep coming back.  I use many tools to re-connect with it.  Gratitude, noticing, photography, writing; this moment grounds my parenting and partnering.  This eternal dance of losing and finding it is my practice leading to joy.

Through this blog, I lie humble at the foot this exquisite moment.  I want to deeply see it, savor it, to crawl inside of it, live it...and let it go.  I want to document this one beautiful life that I have; to share it in black and white, technicolor and sometimes sepia depending on the camera filter! 

I am here in my fullness, in my beauty, in my love, in my challenge.  I am here to grow and to live in joy.   

Welcome.  Come often.  Stay long.  Share your moment with me.  

 

stillness

A moment outside of time. The stillness of it seeps into me merging with that place within where stillness is all there is. This life, this child, this place, this beauty joining the oneness at my center. And thus...a blog is born!!